I got to experience our mental health care system in action once again as a mental health crisis struck me once more. hile my reaction when is at first as always negative when encountering this sort of situation, I am always amazed and thankful for the staff that works in inpatient institutions like the one I was at. It always feels like the mos stigma0free place you can be. No one is judging you and everyone is there for their own reasons. As we all wander around in our green scrubs, it may feel like a punishment, but it is the most freeing feeling. We are all stripped down to the necessities and forced to focus on what matters. Everyone is the same regardless of what demons they may be fighting.
My demons once again were suicidal ideation. This is nothing new for me, but this time I had the urge to feel pain and began to self-harm. For everything that was taken out of my possession that I could possibly harm myself with only served to make me look harder for something else and I even turned to using my own fingernails. I was desperate, impulsive and I knew it was time for help. Realizing that I needed help and actually seeking it out was a scary process. I knew what would follow the ER trip. I knew there would be days away from home and away from my family, but I knew I had to do it not only for me but for them. I didn’t expect what I would walk onto after the Er. I expected the psych unit I had been to before, but what I walked onto was a locked down holding unit and it was enough to make anyone want to run the other direction.
The staff was friendly, but there was literally nothing on this unit.You had a room with a “bed” and door that locked and a camera in it. Because I was self-harming I was followed around and not even allowed to go to the bathroom alone. I just wanted out. I was told I would get a bed on the actual unit as soon as one became available, but I was freaked out by this whole ordeal. When I saw the doctor he informed me that I tested positive for methadone and I couldn’t quite figure that one out and still haven’t figured it out. I spent a whole day in that locked unit and was lucky to get a room on the regular unit. Once on the regular unit, my mind was put at ease and I started to stabilize even more. After seeing the doctor, I was reassured I wouldn’t be there much longer and I continued to seek out group therapy and do my best to heal. Again, I was amazed by staff and their kindness. I made connections with other patients. And before I knew it, it was time for me to go home.
I am so happy to be home and I am stable. My demons, for now, are once again in their place. I’m reinforcing my coping skills and of course, the moved my meds around while I was in treatment. I’m hoping it continues. I also heard some terrible news while in treatment. I heard that the founder for the semicolon project finally lost her battle with depression and completed suicide. To some, that might make them lose hope to me it just makes the cause that much more real. Suicide is so real and we all can lose that battle but the point is to keep fighting even when we don’t want to and definitely to keep her project moving forward. I feel like me once again. Those demons can go fly a kite.