Sick and tired doesn’t begin to explain the way I’ve been feeling. I’m so tired of feeling less than human. Everything is more than an effort. I am simply floating from one day to the next with no answers for the way I feel wondering if I will feel this way forever. I lay in bed feeling as if I had been drinking heavily when I haven’t had a drop. The room spins and my vision goes blurry. My legs are weak and I can barely bring myself to get up as I fear I will fall once I do. I sit in the same place for the same fear. This is no way to live.
I long to do more, to be more. I long to do the things that I once loved. I feel as if I am nothing more than an empty vessel and wish someone would give me the answers. No one gets in a hurry. It’s not their life. I know there are things I have to change for myself, but the motivation is so lacking when my body seems to have given up on me. I am thankful my fingers still work and my ability to write is still here…for now. My mental status is sometimes altered and it is hard to articulate what I am feeling or thinking. It is even harder to understand what others are trying to tell me. It’s frustrating.
I know. I’ve been whiney. I’ve been wimpy. I know that I can’t go on being so weak. I know that isn’t me. I fought so many things in my life and won every single time. I know I can beat this, but it seems like such a long road when there are so many questions. So many big fat question marks. For now, this is what I can do. I can tell you about it. I can tell you that there isn’t anything that is not worth fighting for. That every day is a fight when you have a mental illness regardless of what else is going on. It is a shame to a prisoner of your own mind but is possible to win. It is possible to free yourself and be yourself. Eventually, I will free myself from whatever has come over me and I will be that much stronger for it.